We were out with some old friends last night at a Mexican restaurant last night. Since two of the six adults were actually from Mexico originally, this was the real thing -- none of this tex-mex stuff you usually find around the city.
But that's not what struck me. (Probably because we've all been to this restaurant before). What I did notice was one friend getting ready to fly back to Mexico City on Tuesday to be with his mother as she got the results of her tests for that strange tumour doctors noticed on her lungs or her rib. Another friend who spent several hours in a lawyer's office with his father earlier that week going over his father's will, and commenting on how weird it was to deal with the reality that you're planning for the eventual death of that person. And me, resisting the urge to share that my mother was going in for surgery next week to remove a cancerous mass in her breast.
Coincidentally - or not - half of the adults at the table (myself included) had passed the age of 40.
We also discussed our communal lack of wills. We have insurance to varying degrees, but none of us have drawn up our wills yet.
Is this what hitting the fourth decade is all about? Facing your own mortality? This couldn't be *all* it's about, but I'm noticing that the awareness of finite timelines and lifelines is starting to become more solid.
On the one hand, there is mortality. On the other hand, there is the reality that the fertile phase of my life is winding down and that soon - if I don't take action - the most birthing I will be doing will be creative rather than life-bringing-forth.
What does this mean in terms of how I choose to live my life?
I think I'm still working through that. But here are a few things I've noticed:
1. I have less patience for some kinds of bullshit with each passing year.
People yelling. Immature behaviour. Not being treated fairly. I find that I put up with a lot less of this kind of thing as I get older.
2. I have more patience for other kinds of bullshit.
With time comes context, and I am able to evaluate much more clearly which fights are worth having and which are worth dropping. Doesn't mean I still don't bang my head against the wall pointlessly sometimes. But at least I'm somewhat more mindful of the big picture.
3. I'm less inclined to put off doing something that might impact on my health.
I'm a bad one for procrastinating on blood tests, uncomfortable medical tests, changing my food habits (unless I have to), changing my environment. But with an increased awareness of mortality comes an increased facing-of-the-facts with respect to what we have to do to prolong our mortality. Like blood tests, and eating more organic foods, and removing toxins from our environment(s) as much as possible.
4. I'm thinking more about doing what I enjoy.
Easier said than done. Although Yoda said (in a variation of a Zen master view): "Do, do not do; there is no try" ... well, I'm trying. To give myself permission to just wander along Queen Street if I want to, or to sleep for half of the afternoon if I want to on a weekend, or just to actually leave my desk to go for lunch with a friend during the week. Being aware of the blocks, and working around them to give myself permission to take it a bit easier on myself hopefully means that I actually do it.
5. I'm starting to think about my lasting legacy on this planet.
It's part of why I'm finally getting out of my own way and blogging. It's why I'm more mindful of the energy we consume, the waste we produce, our impacts on the environment locally and the market globally. I'm hoping that by doing something, even if it's small, that I can help. I'm aware that the words I say to others affects them, even temporarily, and that I have to be careful not to hurt.
I don't feel too old -- yet. But when I hear the people I work with who are in their twenties or early thirties, I realize the chasm that exists whether I want it to or not.
Ah well.
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